Jokes

44 jokes written.

This page is a collection of jokes that I have written over the years. They are all original as far as I can tell.

I have recently resigned from my job and have applied for a new job but yet to hear anything. It was at a chiropractor about a weak back.

I also applied to work for a design company for TV user interfaces. But I misunderstood when they said it was remote-first.

I have missed out on joining a well-known large sweet manufacturing business. To be honest it was my fault as I choked in the practical interview. And clearly bit off more than I could chew.

I have interviewed at a bird food-making company, but waiting to see if they have a successful seed funding round, as I don’t come cheep.

I am going to start looking for jobs with yoghurt companies as I hear they have a great culture.

It is an awful time in the hairdresser industry with so many cuts.

It is very difficult to find work during a recession and every workplace is affected, just a few days ago I heard lots of firefighters were getting fired.

Police officers are being asked to work double shifts without extra pay, they do not even get arrest.

Those officers also have to be on call and they have to share a cell.

New judges are being offered innovative pay options to help but I do not think the test-i-money will catch on.

Miners also feel like they are stuck between a rock and a hard place and their bosses said they need to dig deeper to keep their jobs.

The balloon industry has flattened too, due to the cost of inflation.

Even the local bakery did not have a roll for me.

Why did the Jazzman cross the road? To get from A to B flat 6th.

Why did the blues man cross the road? To get from A to B#7

There is a very small community of dedicated Bruce Forsyth fans out there who have started a meet-up group called Niche to See You, To See You Niche.

My daughter went on a school trip to Vatican City and ended up in a gift shop. She bought a set of sealed miniature religious figures in a decorative bowl. Only when she got home and opened it did we realise it was Pope-pourri.

Why did the crab cross the road? It just followed the sidewalk.

The police came round the other day saying they had reports our pet dog had been chasing the local kids on roller skates, funny I said, our dog does not own any roller skates.

The Milky Way came runner-up in a galaxy talent contest and had to settle for the constellation prize.

The sun came first and was absolutely beaming. The whole thing was overshadowed by the Uranus.

What did the cannibal eat for lunch? - Whoever they were meat-ing.

Why are all fast cars Chinese? When they drive past they all say Nǐ hǎo.

What are two landmasses favourite game? - Bridge.

People smell when they get to the summit but never smell when they get back down due to a process called the descent.

That last joke was terrible, without the ‘s’ though, it was decent.

Where do they make facts? At the factory.

Two tortillas walk into a karaoke bar. What ensued could only be described as a wrap battle.

I suffer from a terrible affliction in which I have to give everything a number. Do not worry though, my GP said, it was not count-agious.

At school, during the creative classes, I was only good at drawing night time scenes featuring lots of curtains, blinds, and shadows, my tutor said I had really mastered the dark arts.

A woman from Detroit was recently interviewed by Police for setting on fire the terms and conditions of a loan. Her name was Bernadette.

I got sacked from my job at the bakery after customers complained everything had a leathery texture. I really misunderstood how to make Choux buns.

Out on a long bike ride, I went miles down a long winding road until I arrived at a churchyard and only then did I realise it was a dead end and I had made a grave mistake.

What do you call a pirate with a wooden leg? Peggy.

What TV show is a pirates favourite? Plankety Plank.

Our Sat Nav is so smart, we were driving through a safari park the other day and it said bear left.

A candle delivery van crashed on the motorway last week, it had a blow out.

I once had a work placement at an eye wear manufacturer, I gained good insight into the industry.

During this time at this eye wear manufacturing company I designed and documented a process for a new pair of glasses with little dots of gold in the frame. That is right, I wrote the spec about specs on some specs.

I have a business idea, it is a candle company with the words of famous songs printed on them, it is called waxing lyrical.

A former girlfriend, who was a pyromaniac, tried to reignite our relationship. She was an old flame, but I was able to blow her off.

What do you call a female horse? Mary.

What do you call a gardener? Mo.

I was in a coffee shop the other evening and got chatting to the barista, who said she worked everyday from 5 to 9pm. Her name was Polly Darton.